Gaining or losing?

So this morning I lost. It started with losing the morning battle with the dog. We have been trying to train her to not jump all over us as we leave, to allow us to go out the gate peaceably. However, this morning she saw an opportunity to escape and took it. Usually I take a deep breath and try to cajole her back in, rather than to aggravate the situation by getting angry with her. This morning I lost my temper. To the point where I was totally unreasonable. Then I lost in my relationship with my daughter who was upset for a whole plethora of other reasons, which I managed to further exacerbate. 


After dropping her to school, as I drove home I calmed down enough to ask myself, "What was that all about?" Straight away the word "control" dropped into my mind. As I thought about that, I realised that at the moment there are a number of areas where I am feeling powerless, feeling as though change needs to happen but that I am powerless to bring it about. As soon as I acknowledged this, I got somewhat annoyed with myself. I have been through this enough times before. Will I never learn?


The reality is, I cannot control anything in life other than my own response (and even there, obviously, there are times when I fail miserably!). 


The reality is that every aspect of my life is in the hand of God, even my next breath. 


The reality is, the only way to deal with my powerlessness is to lay it down, to apologise to God for trying to take control, to admit that I cannot control anything, that only He has that privilege and to 'hand it back' to Him. 


The paradox is that when I accept His control over my life and circumstances, what has seemed out of control suddenly gets re-framed. I realise again that when I allow Him to direct my steps (some might say 'control' my steps) everything is in order, under control. My faith in His sovereignty says that nothing happens that He does not allow for His purposes. At that point, I am free. I don't have to make anything happen because He will bring about His purposes through all things as He has promised. (Romans 8:23 - And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.)


So this morning I lost. My daughter lost. The dog...well, I don't think the dog really cares. However, I don't believe we have to live in a place where the loss remains a loss. The loss of my temper highlighted to me that I had lost my freedom in some way and needed to deal with it. The situation with my daughter opens up a much needed opportunity for frank discussion about how we are both travelling. And, praise God, I am not stuck here in the place of my failure. God does not keep reminding me of my weaknesses and mistakes, keep me trapped in that place, but sets me back on my feet to try walking again in the freedom He has given me. That all sounds like gain to me.


Whoever tries to keep their life will lose it, and whoever loses their life will preserve it. Luke 17:33